Recently a local psychiatrist set up a hot line to help direct people with psychiatric problems to the most appropriate help. What follows is the message that the caller hears after ringing.

Welcome to the Psychiatric hot-line. Please select from the following options.

If you are obsessive compulsive please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are codependent ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personality disorder press 3, 4 and 5.

If you are schizophrenic then that little voice in your head will tell you which button to press.

If you are manic depressive then you can press any number because no one will answer your call.

If you are paranoid delusional we know who you are and where you are and we are coming to get you.